Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
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My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.