“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
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Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME