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Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”