I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
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If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.