My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
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I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Never ghost your hitman.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
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