The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
You Might Also Like
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?