The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
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All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*