Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
The honesty is refreshing
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty