Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
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it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Hitlers gonna hitl
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.