ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
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Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed