“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions