me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
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I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
This is the best one I’ve seen
58.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]