Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
idk what this dog had been going through but same
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER