Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]