me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
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Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Is….Is this an option?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Expect the unexporcupine.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Wednesday
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.