6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
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Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans: