Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else