My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
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Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream