I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
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“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Meme Monday.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?