“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
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Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.