I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
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They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.