A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
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I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret