“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
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Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
never deleting this app.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I don’t think my car can fly
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.