Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
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I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…