Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
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Alexa: *deep breath*
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Effort made
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I think I’m having a stroke
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers