It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?