toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
FRED: right
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive