when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
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you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The glockness monster
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy