*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
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ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
LOL
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
No Google it does not
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.