Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
This is my favorite one of these!
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?