Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.