My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
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Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high