I would like even faster food.
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FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.