“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
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Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics