Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
馃槀
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This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn鈥檛 get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that鈥檚 long enough
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.