WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
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I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.