Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
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“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The cashier just checked me out.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in