Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
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6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.