Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
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Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me too, bag. Me too….
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”