If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.