Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.