im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
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Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
My spirit animal is fried chicken
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey