Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Wise advice