snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
And now we wait
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you