Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
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I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I will never stop laughing at this
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”