*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”