6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
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surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass