1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
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My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Best spoiler warning ever
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.