Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
You Might Also Like
Nothing.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
(yawn)
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Them: Just act casual
Me:
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute