Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we鈥檙e both still single when we鈥檙e 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
corn maze employee: you can鈥檛 smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i鈥檓 popping my way out
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
You: I鈥檓 combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I鈥檓 combining wine and dinner. Winner
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
We鈥檝e all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para espa帽ol
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 饾槫饾槶饾槮饾槩饾槼饾槶饾樅 adhering to the volume guidelines
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it鈥檚 still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don鈥檛 believe in winter.
This is not my fort茅. It’s not even my threet茅 if I’m being honest.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what鈥檚 the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he鈥檚 just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation